Feel it pass through your nostrils or down the back of your throat.
Notice the sensation of air coming in and out of your lungs. So when you start noticing yourself getting tense, try to focus on breathing. Simple mindfulness techniques can be your best friend in tense situations and none is more straightforward and accessible than using your breath. There are several things you can do to keep your cool during a conversation or to calm yourself down if you’ve gotten worked up. Luckily, it’s possible to interrupt this physical response, manage your emotions, and clear the way for a productive discussion. Before you know it, the conversation has derailed and the conflict intensifies. Not only are you losing the ability to think clearly but chances are your counterpart notices the signs of stress - your face turning red, the pace of your speech speeding up - and, because of mirror neurons that cause us to “catch” the emotions of another person, your colleague is likely to start feeling the same way. And making rational decisions is precisely what you need to do in a difficult conversation. If your body goes into “fight or flight” mode or what Dan Goleman called “ amygdala hijack,” you may lose access to the prefrontal cortex, the part of your brain responsible for rational thinking.
None of this puts you in the right frame of mind to resolve a conflict. Your heart rate and breathing rate spike, your muscles tighten, the blood in your body moves away from your organs, and you’re likely to feel uncomfortable. This is a natural response, but the problem is that our bodies and minds aren’t particularly good at discerning between the threats presented by not getting your way on the project plan and, say, being chased down by a bear. You’re afraid you’re going to have to give up something - your point of view, the way you’re used to doing something, the notion that you’re right, or maybe even power – and your body therefore ramps up for a fight by triggering the sympathetic nervous system. After all, a disagreement can feel like a threat. It’s hard not to get worked up emotionally when you’re in a tense conversation.
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